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Trusting God When Things Feel Uncertain

The Virtual Reality headset was firmly in place and doing its job.

I stepped onto an elevator, and it traveled up, up, up to the highest story of a skyscraper. When the doors opened, there was a single plank of wood. The assignment was easy – take a few steps across the plank. 

There was just one problem. I don’t do heights.

I looked down, which was a mistake. People, tiny as ants, hurried along the street below me.

As I tried to talk myself into stepping out of the elevator and onto the plank, I had all the physical reactions as if I was actually standing stories above a bustling city street. My heart was beating like crazy, my breathing was shallow, and my legs started aching, like they do when I’m in an actual real-life situation involving heights.

I knew I wasn’t really standing on a plank above a city street. I knew I was in a library standing on solid ground. But I threw logic out of the virtual window, got down on all fours and crawled across the plank. 

Can you picture this? I crawled across the library floor in full panic mode.

What in the world? I am a capable adult, a grown woman. Why couldn’t I convince myself that I wasn’t really standing on a plank high above a city street? I let what I was experiencing override reality. It felt real, therefore it must be real.

Walking through this crazy broken world can be exactly like this. We let what we experience override what we know to be true. Things feel shaky and uncertain. We feel alone. Anxiety rises. We make decisions based on our feelings. It’s a mess.

The truth? We are not alone. We are not left on our own to figure things out. God has promised to be with us, and He keeps His promises. God is certain and steady. God is trustworthy.

Proverbs 3:5 describes this reality: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” The word for trust here is the Hebrew word batach. Batach is placing one’s full weight upon someone or something with calm assurance.

Calm assurance. I love the sound of that.

God is reliable. We can have complete confidence in Him. We can trust Him. 

When we trust God in a batach kind of way we are surrendering, we are letting go of the things we cling to and placing them into the hands of God. That relationship you are holding onto? Trust Him with it. Your college kids that are running around living life all willy nilly? Trust God with the plans He has for them.

The idea of surrender can be scary. 

Proverbs 3:5 isn’t telling us to give our full confidence to God without evidence. The evidence of His faithfulness is overwhelming. Because of God’s hesed, the love and devotion He has toward those in relationship with Him, He has committed to be faithful to His people. He has promised to be unwavering, to be trustworthy. He has committed to be with us, to work things for our good, to grow us in our faith, to finish the work He started in us.

God does not waver in His love and commitment to His people. People in our lives may waver, circumstances will change, but God is steady.

Like me in the VR headset, we tend to trust what is right in front of us. We put our full weight and confidence in people and circumstances, which is just as foolish as me crawling on my hands and knees on the library floor. In contrast, trusting God is never foolish. He is worthy of the full weight of our trust.

Are you feeling uncertain today as you look at what is in front of you? Are you standing on the edge of changes in your life, or looking down at a situation that you can’t see a clear way to resolve?

Take a deep breath. Ask God to show you His faithfulness in your life. Ask Him to help you trust what He is doing right now, even if you can’t see how it will turn out. 

When we ask for His help, He responds. He wants you to trust Him. He wants you to live with the calm assurance that comes when we trust Him in a batach kind of way.

Psalm 13:5 says I trust in your unfailing love. I batach in your hesed. I fully surrender to your loving devotion. I place everything in my life in Your strong, loving, wise, capable hands.

People change. Circumstances change. If we place our trust in those, there is no stability. In contrast, God never changes. Never waivers in his love or commitment to His people. You can rest in that today. You can walk in confidence, in trust, with calm assurance.

This is the truth we can walk in as we live in this broken world. This is reality. No headset required.

10 Things We’ve Learned About Marriage

Last night over a romantic dinner for two Stephen confessed that he didn’t remember watching me walk down the aisle toward him at our wedding.

The things he remembered about our wedding day? Cleaning the car for our honeymoon trip, standing in the receiving line at the reception. And getting a bag of birdseed poured down his back as we ran to our car. 

His memories completely skip the ENTIRE wedding ceremony. Thank goodness we have the VHS tape to prove the ceremony actually happened. 

Zero points for romance, buddy. If this was a movie, he would have said something about my breathtaking beauty and knowing his life was about to change forever for the better.

But life is not a movie, is it? The 80‘s movies I watched and re-watched in high school painted a picture of romance, but after 32 years of marriage, my definition of romance has changed. The movie version of romance isn’t sustainable through the storms of life.  

We got married thirty-two years ago, on a rainy Saturday in May in Yazoo City, Mississippi.

My memories of our wedding day? Spending the day with my bridesmaids, fighting tears as I walked down the aisle, saying my vows, and pinching Stephen on the arm as we walked back up the aisle because he wasn’t smiling. He should have been spilling over with joy, right? 

Our memories of the day are different, and as we quickly learned, most of the ways we think about, and view life are different. But we did come up with 10 things we’ve learned about marriage over the past 32 years.

We are a team. Tackling the hard times as a team has helped us learn to work together and has helped us grow closer. We’ve learned to face life together. 

Even though we are a team, we are also two separate people. We have different opinions and thoughts, and that is ok. If we try to be the same person, we will go through life as if we are running a three-legged race, and when one person falls, both will fall. There have been times when I’ve needed Stephen’s strength and times when he needed mine. 

Bring secrets and sinful habits into the light where healing can happen. Our struggles affect each other. Seeking healing together has brought us closer. 

Be gentle with each other. It is hard to be vulnerable, especially about struggles. Showing grace is a way of loving each other well. 

We seek out ways to “speak to each other’s heart” or to find out what communicates love to the other person. I love leisurely talking over a cup of coffee while Stephen enjoys our couch dates, snuggling under a blanket watching a movie together. Stephen cooks for my annual writer’s retreat, which speaks to my heart. And I pay him in Legos, which speaks to his. 

We keep short accounts. We get on each other’s nerves. We hurt each other’s feelings. If we kept a record of all the wrongs done, it would suffocate our marriage. We try to be quick to ask forgiveness and quick to forgive.

We’ve learned to work with each other’s strengths and weaknesses. God brought us together to face life together. Discovering that our strengths and weaknesses complement each other has been a game changer for us.

We play together. Sometimes we have to put a pause on the hard topics and do something fun together.

We laugh together. Life is so serious and heavy at times. Sending each other silly reels throughout the day or watching Dry Bar Comedy helps us maintain a balance.

We kiss often and kiss like we mean it. No dry “have a nice day” pecks over here. Gotta keep the sparks flying!

The foundation beneath this list is our faith. And that is so important. There have been times when we’ve both been convinced we are right on an issue, and it has taken God working in us to soften our hearts toward each other again. It is by God’s grace that this list of 10 things exists. We’d be a complete mess on our own.

I hope we have at least 32 more years to keep learning about marriage and learning how to love each other well.

Where is Jesus When…..?

Have you ever asked Where is Jesus when (you fill in the blank)?

Sometimes the brokenness of this world presses in too close and we forget the beautiful truth that Jesus is with us in every moment of every day. We forget that He is our Everyday Emmanuel.

Or maybe we know it’s true, but it doesn’t feel true.

There was a time when I struggled with feeling alone and, to be honest, sometimes abandoned by God. Even when I read His Promises in the Bible, those promises didn’t feel true for me. My head knew the truth, but my heart didn’t believe it for a second.

One day I got really honest with God and told Him, I know You say it’s true, but I don’t feel it. I need you to show me that you are with me.

And He did.

In big and small ways, He began showing me that He was with me. And over time, my head knowledge became rock-solid truth in my heart.

Now I KNOW He is with me, and it has changed my life.

One of the ways He helped me see His presence was through the stories of His presence in the lives of other people. When we see the tangible ways He is working in others’ lives, it helps us look for Him in specific ways in our own life.

I am trusting He can do that for you too. With that in mind, I am launching a new series on Mug to Mug with Erin, Where is Jesus When….?

Where is Jesus When….? is a collection of interviews where real-life people tell about a time when they walked through a difficult situation and felt God’s presence. Their stories are powerful, and broken, and encouraging, because no matter the brokenness, our God is weaving the beauty of redemption in the darkest places.

I will release an interview on Wednesday of each week. If you subscribe to Mug to Mug with Erin on YouTube, you will be notified as they are released. (Go ahead and subscribe so you won’t miss a single interview!)

I am so excited about introducing you to some new friends. I am praying that their stories will help you see and feel God’s presence in your life.

How to Let Go to Land on Solid Ground

We live life holding on, as tight as we can. But what if life is found in the letting go? In trusting that God is who He says He is. That God will sustain us as He promises He will.

Nothing moves faster than a toddler with something he’s not supposed to have. It’s really amazing. The same child that took 25 minutes to walk from the house to the car as they stopped to look at every. single. rock. suddenly develops superhuman speed.

Can we also talk about how their little fingers morph into vice grips? Another phenomenon.

And the strength of will! Determined to hold onto their treasure no matter what. It could be a bug, it could be a Starbucks candy wrapper, but they are not letting go, no matter how we try to be the voice of reason. Even if it could hurt them. Even if the person they trust most is saying let go. At this point they use every toddler’s favorite two words.

“NO! MINE!”

Is it too early to declare nap time?

How often are we like toddlers, our figurative fingers in a vice grip, holding onto things, people, careers – even if they are harmful to us, even if those we trust most are pleading with us to let go.

A few years ago, I taught a Sunday School class about the idols in our lives. In class, the high schoolers were ready to trust God and let go of their idols. But during the week I watched as they held onto volatile relationships, as they chased after perfect grades, and found their worth in the approval of others.

I was frustrated with them until I looked at my own life. It’s hard to let go. Really hard.

In fact, it’s impossible to let go when we are in survival mode, and that is where many of us are.  We won’t let go when we feel like this one thing is keeping us afloat in the chaos. We won’t let go when that feels like it will be a total free fall.

And that is scary. Not roller coaster scary, because there we have bars to hold onto and we know that ride will eventually end. I’m talking real-life scary. Scary in a “I don’t know what will happen” way.

But what if it only seems scary?

The enemy of our soul keeps us in the dark, telling us that if we let go of this one thing, we will be alone in the dark, abandoned, hopeless, lost forever. He paints the picture of a yawning abyss waiting to swallow us up. He wants to keep us trapped in the dark.

Truth is like turning on lights in the darkness and discovering that the yawning abyss isn’t even real. Truth sets us on the path to life, light, and freedom.

Unfurling our fingers and letting go is a progression. We won’t let go of that one thing until we are convinced that God will take care of us better than that one thing ever could. We won’t be convinced of that until we trust Him. And we won’t trust Him until we know Him. We can’t know Him without spending time in His Word. And His Word is where the solid ground is.

God leans toward us through His Word. In Psalm 55:22, He says cast your burden on me, and I will sustain you.

Ready for rock solid truth?

The word for cast in this verse is to throw, to fling, to hurl. In other words, to get it as far away as fast as possible.

And where are we hurling our burden, our cares? The word God uses in this verse is Yahweh, His personal name.

The personal request of handing over our burdens is made by our personal God. The God who created everything, who keeps planets spinning and molecules together, but who is also so personal that He asks us to hand over our burdens to Him.

When we throw that one thing to Him, our hand is then empty. But there’s no free fall, because in the same breath God promises to give us what we need.

How does He know what we need? Because He knows us.

Psalm 56:8 says He catches our tears. Our tears don’t run down our cheeks and disappear. The idea is that He collects them and intervenes on our behalf. He sees. He cares. He acts.

See the beautiful progression? He cares for us and will give us what we truly need for our mind, body and soul. He bends toward us. He hears our sobs, He feels our pain, He catches our tears, and He draws us in toward Himself.

The enemy wants us to believe that we are alone, abandoned, hopeless. But we are none of those things. Jesus has come to be with us, so we are never alone. He walks beside us, so we are not abandoned. He is our hope, so we are never without hope.

Now that our hands are empty, we can hold tightly onto Him and stand on solid ground.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll find more examples of connecting with Christ in your everyday life in my devotional.

Get your copy here!

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Heritage Ukraine Knows How to Pivot

Pivot is a word that pops up from time to time.  

During the pandemic businesses had to pivot to stay open. Many began offering curbside pickup. Churches began streaming church services. Drive-through doctor appointments became a thing.  

But what does it mean to pivot? I think it means identifying a need and changing what needs to be changed in order to supply that need.  

To pivot, the goal or mission of a business or organization doesn’t change, but the way to reach that goal needs to be adjusted slightly. 

Pivot.  

My friends at Heritage Ukraine have been pivoting constantly for the last 100 days. Beginning February 24, they’ve had to pivot in order to care for those God has placed in their path. The ministry plans they had for the foreseeable future ended as the Russian army moved into their country.  

Overnight they began meeting immediate needs. Helping families evacuate, gathering and delivering food to those who couldn’t leave, making thousands of sandwiches to give to refugees at the train station.  

At a time when they would normally be planning for the weeks of summer camp at CAMP LELA, they gave away their camp supplies to those who needed it.  

 Slavik and Alyona and their team at Heritage Ukraine know how to pivot. And the Lord is using their flexibility and their obedience to His leading. God is working in the middle of this horrible war. He is providing.  

And, as a wonderful surprise, God has opened a way for CAMP LELA to happen in July. Their Facebook post shows their excitement – Look at all the exclamation marks! 

 
Camp LELA 2022 in Romania!  

As the war began we didn’t even think of the camp for this year as Heritage is so focused on war relief around its region. However, God opened us an opportunity to do a camp in Romania for Ukrainian refugees! 💙💛 

Three camps will take place in the month of July! We need your help to make it possible! Click here if you would like to support camp LELA 2022 for Ukrainian refugees in Romania.  

If you want a glimpse of what is happening on the ground in Odessa, if you want to see ways that God is providing things that seem impossible, if you need encouragement in your day, or want to know what you can do to get involved, follow Heritage Ukraine on Facebook or Instagram.  

 
I designed a wallpaper for my phone to remind me to pray for my friends in Ukraine and I would love to share it with you! The original painting was done by our talented friend Miss Allie McCoy. Click on the image to download these beautiful sunflowers for your phone! 

Words to Live By

These words were the last ones I said each morning as my son walked out the door for school.  

They came after the “Do you have…” checklist and the “Have a great day” hug. 

Remember WHO you belong to.  

I said these words as he walked out of the safety of our home and into the day.  

I picture them wrapping gently around him, a scarf on the good days, a forcefield on the difficult days. 

When I began saying these words, he would step back into the house and wrap his arms around me. I would rest my chin on his head, squeeze extra tight, and say a quick silent prayer. 

It is a sentence that carries the weight of history, his and mine. They are words that bring difficult days to mind and words that remind us that we are different people in the present.  

We are different because we remember WHO we belong to.  

These are words of growth. Words that we all need. Words to live by. 

Sometimes we need these words because we feel alone. We weren’t made to be alone. We were made for belonging. 

The Junior High years were years of growth for my boy. I picture the struggle of a seed pushing through its outer shell, inching through the dirt toward the warmth of the sun. 

Years of growth can hit us at any stage of life. These are moments when we choose to push toward God’s truth or we let others sidetrack us. 

It is so easy to get sidetracked when we feel alone, isn’t it? 

Sometimes we need these words because we’ve pushed everyone away. We want to be free – however we define freedom – and yet we are not made for this type of freedom, or self-reliance or independence. We were made for belonging. 

This was my story. Pushing all restraints away until freedom became a free fall. I was untethered, unsure of who I was because I didn’t really know WHO I belonged to. And trying to belong to anyone else doesn’t work because we weren’t made to belong to each other. We can’t carry each other like that. 

But we can help each other remember WHO we belong to.  

So, to the graduates in my life, to those at the beginning of a new stage, to those who need to begin again. To those who feel like you are floating along, who feel like you don’t belong. Lean in and let this truth soak in. You were made for belonging, and this is WHO you belong to.  

You belong to the God who created the heavens and earth by speaking it into being. He is that powerful, and yet involved in the details of your life. He cares about you so much that not a hair can fall from your head without His permission. 

You are loved:  

God created and formed you out of love. He holds you in His loving and powerful hands. 

He works events and circumstances for your ultimate good even when it is difficult to understand. 

He rescued you from the power of sin and offers you lasting life. 

You have purpose:  

He has good works for you to do, and He prepares you for those works. 

He invites you to participate in what He is doing in the lives of those around you and in the world at large.  

Our school mornings are over, but these words still wrap gently around my boy-turned-man as he walks out of the house. He often stops, gives me a lopsided grin, looks into my eyes and says, “You remember that too, Mom.”   

When he says this, I step toward him, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. He towers over me these days, resting his bearded chin on my head. I squeeze extra tight and say a quick silent prayer, thankful for the truth poured into the fabric of these few words.

Remember WHO you belong to.

I’ve created two printables to help remind you of these beautiful truths. Feel free to share with a friend!

Four Things That Are Saving My Life Right Now

A few weeks ago on her podcast, The Next Right Thing, Emily P. Freeman shared 10 things that are saving her life right now.

I loved the simple way she flipped the script. It’s easy to list the things that are driving us crazy, or the ways we are so crazy-busy. We tend to hold those things like they are a badge. It’s a little harder to look at our lives with the lens of what’s saving our life right now. But it’s encouraging and life-giving.

I began looking for those things in my current crazy season, and I want to share them with you.

The first thing that is saving my life right now is taking a few minutes after I take the kids to school to sit down with a cup of coffee and read one entry of Heart Aflame by John Calvin. These are daily readings from the writings of John Calvin on the Psalms. The book begins with January 1, but I’m being a little rebellious and started it in March. At the beginning. The devotions are less than a page long, and I write a little prayer in the space at the bottom of each page. It has been a great way to begin each day setting my mind on truth.

The second thing that is saving my life right now are green spaces. I don’t really know why but driving past green pastures and rolling hills makes me happy and peaceful.

The third thing is breaking my to do list into smaller, bite-sized pieces. I tend to get overwhelmed in the crazy-busy, and dividing tasks into smaller tasks keeps me from getting paralyzed and not getting anything done.

And the last thing that is saving my life right now is having one clean space in the house to sit in. I have piles of writing projects, end of the school year things, scrapbooks (any other Senior moms pulling out all the pictures, or is it just me?) Having one space clutter free gives me a place to start my morning (see number 1) and to have friends sit when they swing by.

Over the next few weeks this pace will morph into summer pace, which has a completely different feel. I want to keep up the practice of naming the things that are saving my life instead of focusing on the things that are keeping me busy. It helps me appreciate and savor moments of peace in the middle of the chaos.

What about you? What is saving your life right now?

What Will Be Different About This Year?

How did you bring in the new year?

We brought it in very quietly, which was different.

A year ago, we joined a few other families for a celebration filled with games, food, laughter, and fireworks. We threw open the door for 2020 and welcomed it in. I chose #2020seeingclearly as my hashtag for the year and made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish.

Then, like a snow globe in the hands of a toddler, the world, on a global and personal scale, was turned upside down and vigorously sloshed from side to side.

At first we were flustered about the intrusion, then frustrated. As it went on we became rattled, and eventually worn down. The more our world was shaken, the more we found that the things we cling to were shaken right along with us.

Trials and loss have a way of showing us what we are clinging to. If those things fail us, what are we left with?

What if we could cling to something that couldn’t be shaken, no matter how hard the snow globe is thrown?

My hashtag was more fitting than I imagined, though not for the reason I chose it. The days, months, and events of 2020 helped me see a few things very clearly.

I am not in control, but God is. Every plan can be cancelled, but the plans of the Lord never fail. His purposes stand. 2020 taught me to hold my plans loosely, and to look with eyes of faith for what God is doing.

Trusting God is the way to combat fear. Unlike things or people that we place our trust in, God will never leave or abandon us. His overall plan is to draw us closer to Himself, and He uses world events to do just that. Fear shouts in our ears, bringing chaos to a rising roar so that we cannot hear the calm, steady voice of the Lord saying I’ve got you. Trust me. Trusting God means that we stop listening to the voice of fear, and begin listening to truth.

The more I know God, the easier it is to trust Him. The way to get to know God is through His Word. The Bible is a gift from God to us where He shows us who He is and who we are in relation to Him.

He does this through story and through poetry. He lets us see people who failed Him and those who trusted Him. And we see how He responds to those people.

Through His Word we see His love for imperfect people just like us. We see how He works inside the bounds of circumstances, and how He works above the bounds of circumstances. He is not limited in any way.

As we get to know God, we see the depth of His love for us. His unfailing love for us helps us trust Him.

God’s love, trustworthiness, and character – these are the things that cannot be shaken by circumstances.

As we begin a new year, may we hold loosely to things and people, and tightly to the things that cannot be shaken. May we find solid footing as we spend time in God’s Word. May we cling to truth.

And may we give our time and energy to pouring these lasting things into the lives of those around us.

How to get started? A Prayer for 2021 is a great place to begin. It is a prayer asking God to do what only He can do and asking Him to use us as He does it. Click on the link for the printable PDF version of the image below.

What are your thoughts on 2020 and on the year ahead? What do you hope to do to make this year different?

Happy New Year, my friend!

Erin

Choosing Hope in New Beginnings

It’s August and that’s got me thinking about beginnings.

Of course, because it’s August, my kiddos are thinking about new pencils and backpacks and class schedules. They have had time to squeeze all the fun out of summer and are alternating between anxiety and anticipation as they imagine what this school year may hold.

But I’m thinking about the way beginnings are not all created equal.

A beginning signals the start of something. It also marks the end of something.

For my fellow hope writer Niki Hardy, the launch of her new book, Breathe Again marks the end of pouring over her manuscript and editing phrases for the 10 zillionth time. It means holding the finished product in her hands. It means celebrating with all the streamers and balloons. It also signals the beginning of a speaking tour to promote her book.



But not all beginnings mark pleasant endings or exciting beginnings.

Sometimes a beginning holds grief, such as figuring out a new normal for your life after a break-up, a miscarriage, the death of a loved one, or a diagnosis.

Some beginnings naturally bring hope. The difficult beginnings give us an opportunity us to choose between hope and despair.

Choosing hope in new beginnings changes everything.

We were created for hope, because we were created by the God of hope. We are loved deeply by the One who offers us hope that never wavers in a world where nothing stays the same.

Choosing hope requires us to trust what God says about Himself, what He says about His love for us, and what He says about living in this broken world. This isn’t blind trust, it is a trust that grows as we get to know the God of hope.

What kind of beginning are you in right now? A new school year? A new job? Figuring out a new normal for your life?

Do the words hope and trust feel impossible right now? It’s okay. Choosing hope is a process. Getting to know God enough to trust Him takes time. If you are looking toward Him, even with questions and doubts, you are looking in the right direction.

If you are reading this, wondering if hope really is a choice in your situation, I you encourage you to hop over to amazon and order Breathe Again: How to live well when life falls apart by Niki Hardy. Niki includes her own story in her book, as well as the stories of others who have chosen hope in all kinds of situations. Visit nikihardy.com and download the first chapter for free!

Fighting For Hope Through Waves of Grief

Missing Robert

Grief is a tricky beast. It hides and makes you think you’ve “dealt”, you’ve “moved on”, and then it hits out of nowhere like a tsunami on a sunny day.

We don’t talk about him very much, but we miss him.

I miss the way he said “Well, hello there!” when he called around this time each year to get ideas for the kids’ Christmas presents.

Over the past 2 years, there have been plenty of What ifs, plenty of What could have been done conversations, but the bottom line is that while he didn’t  he make the choice to die from his drug use, he made the decision to use drugs.

He made the decision to refuse help. “No program is going to help me,” he said, and that is when I knew he had decided to stop fighting for hope.

It was a decision that defied logic. He had been clean for years, so many years that my children only knew the fun Uncle Robert.

The Uncle Robert who helped them catch fireflies in the summer and who shot a zillion fireworks with them on New Year’s Eve.

It was a decision that led down a dark path, a path filled with cover-ups, half truths, and out right lies.

It was a decision that robbed us of our brother, friend, uncle, and son.

It was also a decision borne out of a daily battle to stay on the right path, a million unseen, un-applauded decisions made over the years of being sober. A battle he fought on his own.

He didn’t have to fight alone. We, his family, would have loved to celebrate victories with him. We would have loved to applaud his successes.

But we didn’t see the burden he carried until it was too late.

By the time we saw, his mind had already been turned upside down. By then, he had bought the lie that our words of hope and encouragement hid ulterior motives and that his drug dealer friends were the only ones who could be trusted.

Isn’t that  the biggest twist of irony?

The people cooking the poison that killed him had convinced him that he was no longer alone because they had rescued him when no one else would.

The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. That is the game plan he followed with Robert, and the story he seeks to write for all of us through all kinds of addictions. If our enemy can keep our focus on numbing the pain in our life, he keeps our focus off of living the life we were meant to live.

Life that gives hope, that looks forward to the future, that believes that  change is  possible.

So many of Robert’s years were marked by his struggle, but that struggle was not who he  was. He was self-less to a fault, fun to be around, and he loved his kids. That’s the legacy I choose to remember.

At the same time, I can’t ignore his last months and days. They are filled with somber warning. They remind me that when I listen to the lies of the dark, when I give in to my own struggles and try to numb out,  I am one decision away from stepping on the same path that stole him from us.