marriage – Erin Ulerich

Last night over a romantic dinner for two Stephen confessed that he didn’t remember watching me walk down the aisle toward him at our wedding.

The things he remembered about our wedding day? Cleaning the car for our honeymoon trip, standing in the receiving line at the reception. And getting a bag of birdseed poured down his back as we ran to our car.

His memories completely skip the ENTIRE wedding ceremony. Thank goodness we have the VHS tape to prove the ceremony actually happened.

Zero points for romance, buddy. If this was a movie, he would have said something about my breathtaking beauty and knowing his life was about to change forever for the better.

But life is not a movie, is it? The 80‘s movies I watched and re-watched in high school painted a picture of romance, but after 32 years of marriage, my definition of romance has changed. The movie version of romance isn’t sustainable through the storms of life.

We got married thirty-two years ago, on a rainy Saturday in May in Yazoo City, Mississippi.

My memories of our wedding day? Spending the day with my bridesmaids, fighting tears as I walked down the aisle, saying my vows, and pinching Stephen on the arm as we walked back up the aisle because he wasn’t smiling. He should have been spilling over with joy, right?

Our memories of the day are different, and as we quickly learned, most of the ways we think about, and view life are different. But we did come up with 10 things we’ve learned about marriage over the past 32 years.

We are a team. Tackling the hard times as a team has helped us learn to work together and has helped us grow closer. We’ve learned to face life together.

Even though we are a team, we are also two separate people. We have different opinions and thoughts, and that is ok. If we try to be the same person, we will go through life as if we are running a three-legged race, and when one person falls, both will fall. There have been times when I’ve needed Stephen’s strength and times when he needed mine.

Bring secrets and sinful habits into the light where healing can happen. Our struggles affect each other. Seeking healing together has brought us closer.

Be gentle with each other. It is hard to be vulnerable, especially about struggles. Showing grace is a way of loving each other well.

We seek out ways to “speak to each other’s heart” or to find out what communicates love to the other person. I love leisurely talking over a cup of coffee while Stephen enjoys our couch dates, snuggling under a blanket watching a movie together. Stephen cooks for my annual writer’s retreat, which speaks to my heart. And I pay him in Legos, which speaks to his.

We keep short accounts. We get on each other’s nerves. We hurt each other’s feelings. If we kept a record of all the wrongs done, it would suffocate our marriage. We try to be quick to ask forgiveness and quick to forgive.

We’ve learned to work with each other’s strengths and weaknesses. God brought us together to face life together. Discovering that our strengths and weaknesses complement each other has been a game changer for us.

We play together. Sometimes we have to put a pause on the hard topics and do something fun together.

We laugh together. Life is so serious and heavy at times. Sending each other silly reels throughout the day or watching Dry Bar Comedy helps us maintain a balance.

We kiss often and kiss like we mean it. No dry “have a nice day” pecks over here. Gotta keep the sparks flying!

The foundation beneath this list is our faith. And that is so important. There have been times when we’ve both been convinced we are right on an issue, and it has taken God working in us to soften our hearts toward each other again. It is by God’s grace that this list of 10 things exists. We’d be a complete mess on our own.

I hope we have at least 32 more years to keep learning about marriage and learning how to love each other well.

Fear is running rampant, unchecked and wild, through our world. The events unfolding before us is a large-scale picture of what has been going on in our homes and in our hearts since (almost) the beginning of time. Fear is a one-size-fits-all epidemic. It uses the same methods when it rears up in my heart, in my marriage, and in my friendships as when it runs through a crowd or a nation.

Fear isolates. It whispers in the darkness “You are alone. No one will help you.” It covers us with shame to keep us bound in addictions. It makes us think no other marriage has struggled like ours, no other person has had dark thoughts like these. It whispers lies to keep us from coming into the light.

Fear encourages us to see others in an all-or-nothing sense. It paints people with a wide brush so that it can make them objects and not real people. It divides people into groups and creates division and anger with statements like

All __________ are ____________. (You fill in the blank)

Statements like these create further division because no one likes to be painted with a wide brush. Fear makes us forget that people are individuals, created by God and therefore worthy of respect. We forget that these individuals have independent thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.

Fear takes away curiosity. Fear makes us so ready to defend ourselves at all cost that it takes away our ability to ask questions that will help us understand someone else’s point of view.

Fear begets fear. The more we surround ourselves with fearful thoughts, statements, and actions, the more fear will surround out hearts and paralyze us.

Fear chokes out hope. Fear screams and calls for immediate, desperate action. Fear makes us think we are alone, without help, and ultimately without hope. Fear paints the future in total darkness.

Fear is like a tornado. It is loud and destructive and throws debris on everyone around. As long as the tornado is there, no one can reach out to help, no one can be heard over the noise, and everyone gets hurt.

Hope is something else entirely. Hope starts out quiet, sometimes as a small spark. The presence of hope can remove the fear tornado so that healing can take place.

Hope builds community. When we surround ourselves with people who fight for hope, we hear these beautiful words, “You are not alone. I am with you.” They remind us of truth, which brings us into the light. And Hope Warriors lovingly help us let go of the lies we’ve believed for far too long.

Hope makes us curious. It makes us question the way things are. We ask “What if…” “Does it have to stay this way?” “What would it look like if…” or “What am I hoping for?”

As we see each other as individual humans, and ask the curious questions in order to understand different views, we get to know each other. And we will find that what we have in common, the search for love, security, acceptance, and worth, is important.

Hope begets courage. Hope stirs a quiet, fierce strength inside us. Hope helps us believe the future could be good. When those around us are pointing us toward truth, we grow brave. When we point others toward truth, we grow strong.

Hope reminds us that change is possible. It reminds us that the last chapter has not been written, and that we hold the pen to begin a new chapter.

When we fight for hope and live brave, so much is possible.

Tag: marriage

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